A Lesson To Learn: Experiences from Mental Health and Burnout

I should have learned this lesson a long time ago, and it seems to be something I need to keep telling myself: my mental health is more important than my hobby.

Maybe, let's roll this back a-ways.

A few years ago, I had a mental break. Some very bad, life changing things occurred and I lost someone dear to me. That loss affected me very badly, creating a whirlwind of changes and still, to this day, affects me. I lost a lot of my personality in a short amount of time, and I've been slowly building it back. However, my time management skills are shot, and I have a tendency to put myself in the same positions again and again; I take on too much, can't finish, and then break.

It's been getting worse and worse as projects and years have gone on. I put too much stress on myself, and then end up beating myself up for not being able to achieve the endless things I set out for myself. It leads to self loathing, loss of sleep, poor diet, and then compounds. It gets to the point where I will mess up something small, and it will be as though the world should end with my mistake.

This is not the beginning of some attention grabbing self-assault. In fact, what I would rather talk about is the better that can be done; not only for me, but for everyone else. Things maybe you should  hear from someone who knows and has felt it. These are not only things for cosplay, but relate to daily life too.

You don't have to achieve everything.

It may feel like you have to do everything you set yourself out to do, but taking things slow, breaking things into chunks, and getting help. Seeking help does not mean you're weak. Passing on things does not mean you're weak. You are allowed to say no, and you are allowed to change your mind.

Sleeping, eating, and taking care of yourself should come first.

Sometimes we lose track of time and forget to do some basic things. You are working on something and then all of a sudden you look up, and BAM, somehow it is half past one in the morning. You forgot to do the dishes, and you don't have a lot of clean clothes left, but hey, you managed to get done what you needed to. Or at least you made a dent in that thing. But when this is a constant, there is a problem. Sometimes you need to let go to do the most basic of things like shower, or sleep at a time that other human beings do. Please take care of yourself. Take a shower. Eat good food. Go to sleep. You are more important than your project.

You don't owe anyone anything.

Expectations can be rough, and when you self impose expectations on yourself, it has a tendency to get far rougher. Take a step back and start organizing things into a few categories: things you have to do, things you can do, and things that can take a back seat. This is going to be tough, because everything will look important and you will want to do it all. You don't have to do everything, it doesn't all have to be perfect, you are never obligated to say yes.

Your feelings are real, and valid.

Regardless of whether they are good or bad, whatever you feel is real and valid. You don't need to explain why you need a chance to cry. You are allowed to do what you need to to make you happy, or even just less crappy for a few minutes. If it means going for a walk, do it. If it means writing a letter and ripping it up, do it. If it means watching cat videos for a few hours, do it. Whatever you feel, it is a legitimate emotion. It is real.

You have a support system.

There are people around you willing to help you. There are people who are willing to listen to what you may consider the smallest of problems. There are people who will be there for you if given a chance. And if for some reason you feel as though everyone has abandoned you, you may not even know those most willing to help you. Even if it is the middle of the night, there are 24 hour help lines designed to respond to you. No matter how big or how small, there are people who want to help. There are no one-size-fits-all solutions to what you are going through, but there are those who can help you find a path; even if it's only a single stepping stone.

You are you, and you are loved.

There is no right way to do anything. However you need to do things may be right for you. But no matter how hard things get, please always remember that you are important and you are loved. You are never alone. There are people in this world who care about you. You are not alone.

This is by no means a primer on how to run your life, fix your problems, or bring about change. But these are things that I find that I need to hear in my darkest moments. I have to continually remind myself of these things, and I have wonderful people who encourage and keep me safe, regardless of how I mess myself up time and again. But for those of you that don't have those people nearby or who can't help you on a daily basis, please know that you are amazing, loved, and you are important. I believe in you.

How I Got Started

This would be little me. Well, 17 year old me, to be precise, but considering that it is a whopping 10 years ago when I got my start as a cosplayer, I'm pretty little here.

Now, here's the thing; every cosplayer has a start. Some start off having sewn with an adult since they were kids, others learn in school, but we all have to start somewhere. My start was with a bet.

At that point, a friend had suggested that maybe I would actually be good at it. I had been drooling over things I was finding on DeviantArt (the hype of the hype back then), and I wanted to wear some of those wonderful outfits. I figured I would just buy one online maybe, but they were expensive. The colours and fabrics looked ridiculous too so I couldn't very well justify a purchase like that. Then I shot my mouth off to my friend on Skype, that I could do better. I had limited means, no transferable skills, and no f*cking clue what I was doing but I thought I could do better. Unfortunately, he attempted to call me on my bluff and I heard the gruff voice on the other side of my Skype call blurt out, "I bet you." Oh, it was on. I had to do the job for less than $100 with essentially nothing.

Easy, right? Not especially. I was hand sewing, using bed sheets and acrylic paints, in a vain attempt to get close to the original design. I got my own hair cut for this, grabbed whatever I could in the Dollar Store in town as there were no fabric stores or even a Wal-Mart around, and somehow came up looking pretty happy about the job that I had done. I won the bet; I only spent $36. My best friend and I took pictures in the park near my house, and I decided that I had found something I wanted to keep doing.

Putting this long story on fast forward, I hit the books pretty hard. I started reading whatever I could about sewing, techniques, and I continued to build my skills. Eventually, I got a cheap, basics sewing machine and kept working. I kept testing out new ideas and researching as hard as I could to improve. I made a lot of less than beautiful outfits (things that make me cringe when I pull them out now, my seams were atrocious), but slowly I build what skills I needed.

This soon became my new normal. In 2014, I re-did my original Yuna outfit and used it as a competition piece at Anime North. I had hand embroidered the whole thing, it was entirely machine stitched, the beads were hand made, and the sleeves were gradient dyed. It was a far cry from my original and it was comfortable and beautiful.

It was also my first (sort of) win. It was an Honourable Mention for embroidery, but I held in my hands the first acknowledgement of my artistry. It was an encouragement to keep going and reach higher.

I hit the books again. I took wigs apart and made Rapunzel 6 months later, hand embroidered up a storm and even boned a bodice. I won as a Journeyman.

More books. More reading and research led me to Aldnoah.Zero and wig work. I figured out the basics of hoop skirts and fell in love with petticoats. Thanks to Rapunzel, I knew wigs and made a beautiful one, earning me my next award another 6 months later.

I used my love of musicals and magic and made a valiant attempt at a costume change on stage. I read about magnets and physics, did rounds of tests with fabric, read historical text, watched videos, and Anastasia threw me one of the best achievements of my life: Best in Show.

Through all of this work and continuous research to push myself afterwards, I got my last award to Master by accident through Ottawa Geek Market (funny story) and became a Canadian Master.

Since then, I have had the opportunity to work with a few of my best friends who are the most talented artists I have ever met. I have won for performance, embroidery, embellishment, sheer geekery, and more magic tricks. I've achieved one of my original goals: to become an Internationally accredited Master. I made my dream a reality.

So here's the deal, dearest reader, should you have chosen to follow me this far. I'm still not perfect and I'm still not done. There's so much more reading to do, learning to do, competitions to enter, and costumes to make. I've started to find my rhythm with ball gowns and petticoats and I will never stop embroidering. I never want to stop learning and developing and that's the beauty of this hobby.

If you don't lose that sense of wonder and learning, there is always room to grow. You can achieve whatever you want. Get there however you need to by learning whatever you can. Work at your own pace and discover new and creative ways to work. No move is the wrong move, and no technique is really "wrong" either. 

My comments are always the same when it comes to MacGuyvering your way through cosplays: "If it's stupid and it works, it's not stupid."

Keep working at it, and you will never lose your way.

How did you start cosplaying? What kind of dreams do you have in your ambitions? Are you only just getting started now?

A New Responsibility: Kiddies and Cosplayers

The geeky generations are starting to have kids. As contrary as that sounds, they are. This is the generation of parents who are going to know that you can't pause an online game and will dress their little one in a Chewbacca onesie. This inevitability means that more kids end up at our conventions in cute little costumes and means that there may be a young Padawan underfoot from time to time.

Here's what people seem to miss; with the little ones around, cosplayers have a new responsibility in costume. I'm not just talking about not accidentally smucking them with your armour, but what happens when you cosplay a well-known character. Just about anything Disney, DC, Marvel, Star Wars, Pokemon, etc etc etc are all well-known to little geeks.

The expectation is that YOU ARE THE REAL THING.

That's right. Just like how they (spoiler) still believe in Santa Claus, they truly believe that you are a hero from a Land Far, Far, Away. They believe that you have come from your icy kingdom to visit them, or that your hair glows when you sing.

I once read a story on Tumblr that another cosplayer had posted that actually distressed me a bit. The cosplayer said that she had been eating in a food court (sans costume) after a con let out. She saw a group of teenagers nearby, one of which was dressed as Elsa. A little girl with her mother was strolling through, and upon seeing Elsa, she got excited. She ran over to talk to Elsa. The girl in the costume rolled her eyes, and walked away with a look of annoyance, leaving the little girl alone, upset, and very confused. Yes, that pang that you feel in your chest is the same one in mine.

When I started in as a Disney princess cosplayer, I kind of ultimately knew that there would be kids who would want photos and talk to me. Before my first con as Rapunzel, I made some rules for myself, which you are all welcome to use.

RULE 1

Always Stay in Character

Watch the movie or television show a million times in order to pick up some characteristics that your character has. Things like catch phrases, how they move, what their back story is, or their voice can help you stay in character. Usually, my voice ends up a bit higher pitched than usual and my posture gets better. Try your hardest not to break this or break the fourth wall.

RULE 2

Make Up Some Clever Responses

Even the Princesses at the Disney Parks have set responses to common questions that come up from kids. Be as creative as you can. As Rapunzel, a little boy asked me how my hair got so long. "Well, I was stuck in a tower for eighteen years...". I got a good giggle. Even as Cinderella, a little girl asked me where my dress came from. I told her that my fairy godmother was very talented. As Rey, a little boy warned me that Kylo Ren was nearby and that he was evil. I told him very seriously that I understood and not to worry as I had my trusted lightsaber and believed in The Force. They don't usually ask probing questions, but clever responses are a good way to go.

RULE 3

Wait For Them To Approach You

This is a courtesy rule, especially for the parents. Kids can be very shy, and parents are wary. If you catch eyes with a little one, give them a smile and a wave. Sometimes they will come towards you or point you out to a parent. Other times, they will hide behind their parents' or guardians' pant leg. If they come up to you or their adult encourages them to come over, that is your moment to engage. WAIT FOR THIS. If you go running towards the poor kid, you may freak them out. When they approach, get down to their level. Usually this means ending up on your knees, but it's important that the kid can look you in the face. It's a comfort thing. If they or their parent ask for a photo, take one. WAIT FOR THEM TO ASK. DO NOT OFFER. It is important that the parent has control of the situation. It's also a great idea to have a buffer animal/prop with you. I had many a kid give my Pascal plushie a big hug if they were nervous. I even had kids giggle when I made BB-8 turn his head to look at them! It diffuses tension very easily.

RULE 4

Try Not to De-Cosplay Around Kids

I have changed in bathroom stalls, around dark corners, in the backs of vehicles, behind curtains that well-meaning friends had to hold up, and in side rooms. Kids having the opportunity to see you take off your wig or pull random things from your costume is a big ruining moment to the image. Even Disney Face Characters have tunnels under the Parks so they don't walk through domains where they don't belong; you'll never see Aurora and Snow White hanging out. No one sees Santa without the beard, so resist the urge to itch under your wig until you are safe out of their line of sight.

RULE 5

Be Kind and Courteous

As "DUH" as this sounds, this means being polite while you're around them, not swearing, using basic manners and human decency, and being a role model. They see you as their idol, and you need to act like it.

HEARTBREAKING BONUS

Sometimes kids will be comfortable enough to give you a hug. This can be a big deal. If (in character or out) a child hugs you, never be the first one to let go. You never know how much that little one needs it. Only let go after they do.

I recognize that this isn't a thing for everyone. Cosplay is about being whatever character you want and having fun. However, with kids around, you do need to realize that you have a responsibility to the kids, whether you want it or not.

Remember, with great petticoats, comes great responsibility.

Con Plans 2019/2020

Most geeky kids have those staple conventions they always head to every year without fail. I'm no different; I don't really have a "home" con, but I make my way around to a variety of different Canadian conventions. Here are the plans for this year!


G-Anime
January 18-20, 2019
Gatineau, Quebec

Technically this convention has already happened, so it's more of an honourable mention rather than a plan.

G-Anime is a yearly winter convention that I have been attending since 2011 and was actually my first ever convention! I have made it a bit of a pilgrimage every year so that I can participate in its wonderful masquerade. Though small, it does scratch quite the itch during the wintertime when cosplayers don't get up to much. The masquerade and its competitors always exceed my expectations, and I get a chance to hang out with some local friends and re-connect with my community.


Ottawa ComicCon
May 10-12, 2019
Ottawa, Ontario

This year, I get to host a panel with AnnieChie Designs! No date attached yet, but excited nonetheless! Our panel will be called Magic of the Stage: Performance in Cosplay. If you are in the vicinity, please come see us and share in some of the surprises that cosplay performances can bring. I look forward to seeing everyone!

No masquerade for me, but I might be spending some time in the green room with AnnieChie's Yona of the Dawn group as their own personal Den Auntie, so I get to at least somewhat participate.


Anime North
May 24-26, 2019
Toronto, Ontario

Hello, Internationally-ranked Masquerade! Anime North's Masquerade is always the biggest draw for me to attend this convention every year. I also get to stretch my legs, get out of the city, and see friends who I usually don't get a chance to visit. It's a bit of a slog to get down there, but who doesn't love a good road trip?

The Flower Card is coming out for this convention and I have quite the wonderful trick up it's flowery sleeve! Be prepared for jingly bells and a lot of bouncing around. I've already been told by three people that they'll murder me over how much noise my little bells are going to make every time I move. It's gonna be stellar.


YetiCon
June 13-17, 2019
Blue Mountain Resort, Ontario

Literally Resort Con. I started going to YetiCon last year and was amazed by how open and freeing it is to be there. I get my share of Toronto and Montreal friends, we spend a sunny, warm weekend with each other, I liaise with an insane amount of photographers, make new friends, and get to spend arguably the best weekend of my life with those I love.

YetiCon is another con that feels like a slog to get up to, but the location makes everything worth it in the end. It is a stunning locale for photos and a beautiful place for some peace and quiet.


Otakuthon
August 16-18, 2019
Montreal, Quebec

I get a bit of a breath before I walk straight into another Masquerade at the always enviable Otakuthon. I started attending a few years back after some prodding from friends and fell in love. Always a great chance to reconnect with Montreal friends and an overall well run convention. We are discussing running a panel there too, so I may get to contribute to some of the content!

Looks like a chance to participate in a group Masquerade entry with AnnieChie Designs, Tsuki no Stardust, and MaeGwyn Cosplay with our Tsubasa outfits! MaeGwyn will jingle more than I did in Flower, and we get to have some obnoxious teen romance photos. Always a pleasure!


KatsuCon
February 13-17, 2020
National Harbour, Maryland

What's this? A new convention? I've been dreaming of going to KatsuCon for a very long time. Every February is met with significant sighing whenever I see everyone's beautiful photos and costumes in the glowing white hallways of the Gaylord lobby.

Well, ArcticWerewolf and I decided that this would be the year we would stop sighing and take possibly our one and only crack at attending. We will hopefully have a few other people with it, but honestly, it's a 10 hour trip south through into the United States. This will also be my first con in the US, making it truly a milestone! I'll get to see everyone's glorious costumes up close and you'll watch me silently cry myself into a fangirl stupor when I get to see my cosplay idols in person.


Are you going to be attending the same cons? Will I see you there? Make sure to say hey if you are!

If not, are there cons that you love to attend every year or ones you think I should check out? List them below!

Insane Plans - 2019/2020

"But you are a crazy woman! What are you doing in that beautiful gown?"
"You'd be surprised by how many beautiful gowns have crazy women in them."

- Rodgers and Hammerstein's Cinderella

Act I, Scene IV: Preparing for the Ball

I'm nothing if not a crazy woman, so here are the plans for the upcoming 2019-2020 cosplay season. Remember, these are subject to change on a few of them, but I'm going to try my hardest.

The Flower Card (Cardcaptor Sakura)

I made my first iteration of the Flower Card from Cardcaptor Sakura for the World Cosplay Summit Preliminaries in August 2018 at Otakuthon in Montreal, Quebec. AnnieChie Designs and I competed as Team Silent Princess with this fluffy pink cinnamon roll, and I was determined to reuse her.

My intent is to compete her at Anime North 2019 in Toronto, Ontario. I've already started upgrading her with a boat load of sparkles and I have around 400 fabric flowers waiting in the wings to sew into 28m of tulle. I am making this as extra as humanly possible.

Syaoran (Tsubasa Reservoir Chronicles)

Stepping away from my usual, here's a bit of the UN-usual. I've never done crossplays before, so I've had to learn a lot of makeup tips. Spoiler alert, I still kind of suck at it.

I get to put together my stoic Tsubasa boy for YetiCon 2019 and Otakuthon 2019 this summer, and I get to work with so many talented people! AnnieChie Designs, Tsuki no Stardust, and Mae-Gwyn Cosplay are rounding out our Tsubasa group. It'll be competed eventually, but for now, more makeup practise is in my future, no matter how much it creeps my partner out.

Link (BOTW) - Genderbend, Snowquill Armour

I sincerely fell in love with this concept the minute I saw it and the opportunities it gave me to sort out some new skills. I've already started sorting out my materials, including a rose pink faux suede and faux leather to make the underbust corsetting. I will be ready and willing to brave the cold!

No fullscale timeline on this one, still collecting at this point. Excited to see if I can get it done before next winter so I can foray out into the snowy wilderness and find a stag I can ride across the hills.

Cinderella (2015 Ball Gown)

No lie, I already made this dress once and I loved every minute of its swishy, sparkly, hem heavy, colourful goodness. But everyone needs a glow-up every now and again!

I've made tentative plans with ArcticWerewolf and a few others to head down to KatsuCon for our first (and probably only) trip to meet up with some of the best costumers in North America. I was wholeheartedly excited at the prospect of bringing something I could truly be proud in. This is another I've been collecting for for a long time; I've had the silk chiffon for almost two years, sitting wrapped in the back of my closet, waiting patiently. Now, my patient and insane ass gets to roll hem 800m of organza. Let's all give thanks for sergers.

Which of these are you most excited to see? I'm stoked about all of the options this year will bring!

Getting a Fresh Start

Well, I have another platform to mismanage.

I've been making costumes since 2009, and I can honestly say that social media has always been the hardest part for me. Essentially, I've never wanted to do what a lot of other cosplayers do. I'm not interested in being famous, invited to all of the events, worshipped online, or for it to become my primary source of income. Instead, I've wanted to do something a bit different.

Literally me in the Happiest Place on Earth

When I got back from Disney World in the beginning of February, I came off of what can only be described as "vacation high". I went to Florida with the love of my life, and got to experience one of the Disney Parks for the first time. I've been a dedicated Disney fan since I was a little girl, and I was elated to finally have the chance to go. I cried when I met Rapunzel. I happily giggled taking photos and running around. I got to eat in the ballroom of Beast's Castle. I cried again meeting Rapunzel a second time (no shame). I tuckered myself out running from park to park. I came home happy to have had the experience.

Disney brought some change on though. For a long time, I've had to manage my emotions, my stressors, my career, and my life, and it's been particularly difficult. I've done some soul searching and came to a good conclusion.

I still love making dresses and living in the colourful dream I always have; however, I wanted to be able to use those things reach out and put some good back in the world. That's why I've decided to start this blog.

What I'm here to do is not to profess teaching or any perfection in cosplay or in the life I lead. Instead, I want to show you the simple truth that I have no idea what I'm doing, and that that is okay. I want to show you my joy in making the fluffiest and sparkliest gowns I can, but that sometimes I mess up and that's okay. I want to show you how things go wrong, but how you can fix them, and that's okay. I want to show the human side of cosplay and living as an imperfect human, and that that's okay. There are no wrong answers here. 

The love I have for this crazy human knows no bounds

We're here to learn and make mistakes. We'll talk about a variety of things, and try to experience this crazy world of cosplay together. On this blog, you'll see some works in progress, some finished photos, some new skills I try to bluster through, some events, some friends, lots of mistakes, and more crystals than a Swarovski store.

Let's try to dream a few dreams together.